Whenever anyone hears about The Talking Dog, they think it sounds so great. Well it is not. Let me tell you, Talking Dog is really kind of a hassle. I for one have had more than enough of Talking Dog to last me a lifetime. Did you know that he calls late at night? After the kids are asleep?

First of all, you should know that Talking Dog is a racist. And not just about other breeds of dog. (He is always making jokes about Golden Retrievers that I feel are in very poor taste.) He is also very racist about people. The other day he was watching a TV show about an Indian man who was trying to deal with a very bad problem of Alcoholism and he just shook his head and said “Typical.” When Talking Dog is racist it makes me sad.

Sometimes I get upset that people are so proud of him for talking, because he is not very good at it. He has terrible diction. People always need him to repeat himself, and he is terrible at tongue twisters, whereas I am very good at them. I can say “Toy Boat” ten times fast, which is really very hard.
Did you know that he asks questions during movies? All the time. Sometimes, when a new character shows up he will say “Who is that?” and we will go “Shhh! We do not know yet!” and he well say “Right, but who is it.” And we will say “We do not know!” and he just does not get it. It can really ruin a good mystery.

Do you remember years ago when it was funny to say “Yeah, Baby!” like in the Austin Powers movies? Well, Talking Dog remembers so well that he still says it. He says things like that all the time. Things like “Cowabunga!” Things that just are not funny any more, but he thinks they still are, because he is just a dog.

Sometimes, when Talking Dog is talking, he will say something like “for all intensive purposes,” even though the phrase is “for all intents and purposes,” and I will say “hey, Talking Dog, do not you mean ‘intents and purposes’?” and he will say “no, intensive,” and I will not argue with him, but really, “intensive purposes”? That does not even make sense.

Sometimes I wonder why people in the government would lie to me. If you tell me lies to get elected, then that is a terrible idea. Because everyone knows that the whole point of America is that I elect a person who wants what I want. That is called a Republic. I think maybe the Rep in Republic stands for Represent. But I do not know for sure. I do know though that if you say you will represent me, then you do not, that you are messing up the whole thing. I guess some politicians are pretty dumb about government.

Another thing that Talking Dog does is interrupt you. Sometimes, you will be talking to a pretty girl, and she will seem to be interested in your story, which might be a humorous anecdote about your trip to work, or maybe about a funny thing the man at the store said, and Talking Dog will just walk up to her and say something about a TV show that no one remembers, like Trapper John M.D., and everything will be uncomfortable. He will also do this when the person you are talking to is not a cute girl. He just does it all the dang time.

If you were Talking Dog, it would mean you were very arrogant. For example, he pronounces lots of words weird ways. Like he says Nazi just like it looks, nah zee, instead of notsi like everyone else. Also he says Mah Jong as muh jong, and says jong just like that, instead of ma zhong. (Apparently that weird J sound is written as zh when you are pronouncing it. I did not know that!) Anyway, it is pretty arrogant to think that you are the only person who knows how to say a word, and all the other people are wrong. I think it is very arrogant.

Talking Dog has uninformed political opinions. He will say things like “The environment is probably fine! I think there is no global warming!” and I will say that he is confused because all of science says that probably there is global warming. And he will just say “but maybe all of science is wrong.” And that is all. I think he votes for people because of the jokes Jay Leno makes on The Tonight Show. I do not think that is a very good way to decide how to vote. Jay Leno is not a very funny person.

People think that Talking Dog will be interesting, but they are wrong! He is very boring. He is always telling you about some birds he saw or some other dog thing. And you will tell him “I do not care about dog things! I am not a dog!” and he does not understand why you do not care about birds, and he will just tell you about them again. Or maybe about a bone.

Finally, and this is very personal, Talking Dog will spoil Lost for you. You might say something about how you started watching the first season of Lost, and it seems pretty neat, and he will say “Oh man! Have you seen the one where they kidnap the black man’s son?” and you haven’t, because you’re only on the first disc. And after that, he will try to drop clues, but they are terrible clues! They are very obvious! You won’t even want to watch Lost anymore after Talking Dog gets done with you.