The current slogan for Taco Bell’s Creme Frutista Freeze* line is

A CREAMY-STYLE TREAT!

and that is one of the most disturbing phrases in English. “Creamy” already means “like cream” so when you hyphenate on a “style**, you freak me right the fuck out. So it’s similar to being like cream? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? The qualification inherent in the “style” is really disturbing.

“What does it taste like?”
“Well, I wouldn’t call it the OPPOSITE of creamy. That much is true.”

Is this seriously the best you can do?

NOW!

Because KillAllTheWhiteMan believes in the carrot as well as the stick, I want to salute Crowne Plaza hotels, on this bit of copy from advertising about the Quiet Zone floors they have for business travelers who need their sleep.

Our promise to all guests staying this floor is to extend the following courtesies:

  • No housekeeping or maintenance activities between 9:00 PM and 10:AM
  • No children, leisure groups, marching bands or circus animals will be assigned to this area

We ask in return that you do your part in keeping the noise to a minimum by:

  • Keep TV and radio at a low volume
  • Ensure guest room doors do not slam
  • No loud singing in the shower

The fact that these jokes are almost subtle enough to go unnoticed, and are part of an otherwise humorless corporate identity and message on the other consumer facing materials just makes it better.
 
 
 
 
*Who named this fucking thing? I mean, I have to assume it went like this:
SUIT1: OK, WE HAVE A DRINK THAT IS BASICALLY A SMOOTHIE WITH NO FRUIT. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SUIT2: WELL, WE CAN CAL IT A FRUITISTA FREEZE. THAT HAS FRUIT AND FREEZE AND ISTA MAKES ME THINK OF BARISTA, WHICH I KNOW HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH EXPENSIVE DRINKS BUT I’M NOT REALLY CLEAR ON WHAT.
SUIT1: I LIKE IT, BUT IT HAS THE WORD FRUIT IN IT, AND THE FOOD DOES NOT, IN FACT, CONTAIN FRUIT.
SUIT3: HOW ABOUT WE LEAVE THE “I” OUT?
SUIT1: PERFECT.

**The fact that the food is “similar to being like cream” but not actually creamy, and a fruit flavored drink that contains no fruit almost gets me thinking this entire product line is all a really great joke some disaffected guy at Taco Bell Headquarters was playing that got out of hand. If this is the case, I would like to buy that guy a drink.