January 2008

Fishermen would be called wishermen. And we would have wishing villages. I think we can all agree this would be an improvement.

There is no such thing as Fat Free Sour Cream. Fat Free Sour Cream would be an empty container. I have no idea what is inside those containers, but you shouldn’t eat it because whoever made it is a fucking liar.

One of the biggest problems about living in a nudist colony that most people don’t consider is Halloween. Sure, there are a few costumes that are easier to pull off in a Clothing Optional environment, but you can only see so many Adams, Eves, and Lady Godivas before all the old, naked hippies start blurring together.

As a general rule, I try to keep my pedantry settings on stun. I know a lot of shit, but I don’t take joy in telling other people they’re wrong*, with one exception. I love bringing the hammer down on someone who is being a pedant and failing. Two examples!

People who complain about the use of them, they and their as gender neutral singular pronouns. The idea that people will actually write his/hers and say “he or she” forever is fucking absurd. Language evolves, and it has evolved a need to refer to people of a non-specific gender without using the genderless and objectifying it. Any attempt to stop or slow this progress out of some belief that Language Must be Preserved is double-bullshit given that English USED to function this way, and it was consciously made incorrect by a group of people who figured that “if you were going to talk about someone, just use he because, seriously, when are you going to talk about anything interesting a woman might do? I mean unless it’s laundry or something and that’s not interesting so quod erat demonstrandum, quid pro quo and other Latin.” As my strawman argument has pointed out, these people were all assholes, with a poor grasp of both logic and language, and I am right.

The next on the list is similar, but kind of stupider. You can end a sentence with a preposition. I swear it. Watch: I can end a sentence with whatever part of speech I wish to end it on. Of course, I wouldn’t normally write it that way, because the “on” is unnecessary and kind of ugly. But it’s not WRONG. This is another rule that was artificially applied to natural language. It was invented by early U.S. Linguists like Noah Webster (of the Dictionary) who thought that because you couldn’t end a sentence with a preposition in Latin (and you can’t, it would be gibberish) you shouldn’t be able to in English. This is already specious reasoning, and then you throw in that their reasoning was as follows. Rome had democratically elected leadership. The U.S.A. was going to have democratically elected leadership. Romans cannot end a sentence with a preposition. Neither should we. This is the exact same line of thinking that resulted in so many important state buildings having columns out front.

*I DO take joy in telling people things, which can be misconstrued by people who have low self esteem and are dick holes.

One of the benefits of being a prostitute that most people don’t consider:
Every month, you’re required to take a full week off.

Never say no to a free drink from a bartender, no matter what. Saying no once is saying no forever.