December 2006


I wrote this on the last day. Everything below, including the bird, is from the story.

a drawing of a bird wearing a hat.
Two pandas are fucking in zero gravity. Suddenly, they are murdered. The only suspect is Jesus Christ. He came back for the End Times, and stayed because he was so impressed by 7-11 Slurpees and Hot Dogs.

To Question Jesus, Turn to Page 623
To Investigate the Crime Scene, Wait for Volume II, Coming This June!

I know a few people, two especially, who spend all their time dusting. Neither of these people is happy about it. In fact, they complain about it constantly. They do, however, seem to enjoy lording it over the people around them. This is lame, and a waste of time, and it’s very frustrating. It makes me want to punch everything all the time. At least that would leave some broken shit and some cut up knuckles. That’s a legacy. It’s a stupid legacy, but it’s better than dusting.

Edit: A few people have told me this is less than clear. So, as a simple aphorism, here it is again:

No matter how well and how often you dust, some day you will be dead. Shortly after that, the hutch will be dusty again.

It’s really common and popular to make fun of the President right now, and while I’m all for people saying whatever they want, there’s one thing they need to consider:

George W. Bush’s mom is really fat.

President Bush has a fat momma. It’s bewildering to me that this crazy, pasty, chubby, old lady isn’t getting more time. After all, she raised the idiot. She donated a bunch of money to Katrina relief that was earmarked to be spent only on software by one of her sons. Neil I think.

Anyway, she’s fat, which is always funny, and she’s a pretty awful person, which means it’s OK to make fun of her. I think it’s important that we all add this to our President insulting repertoires. You know. To keep from getting stale.

And finally, to inaugurate this new practice, allow me to cast the first stone.

The President’s Momma is so fat, she is at a seriously increased risk for heart disease, diabetes and stroke. She should seriously consider a new diet and exercise plan.