IAN returns to his chair, placing his almost finished copy of Lolita near the edge of his desk. CO-WORKER looks over and.

(laughing at his own joke before he makes it)
You sure did spend a lot of time in the bathroom with that porno!


The man’s Girthy Love Wand was deep inside the lady’s Forest of Mystery. She bit her lip and said “Fuck,” while pinching the nipple of her large right breast, one of two breasts that were both very big and also attractive, “this is sexy.”

She was right.

I wrote this on the last day. Everything below, including the bird, is from the story.

a drawing of a bird wearing a hat.
Two pandas are fucking in zero gravity. Suddenly, they are murdered. The only suspect is Jesus Christ. He came back for the End Times, and stayed because he was so impressed by 7-11 Slurpees and Hot Dogs.

To Question Jesus, Turn to Page 623
To Investigate the Crime Scene, Wait for Volume II, Coming This June!

I think it’s pretty awesome, but I have nothing to do with it. You can read it here.

Wait, I’m sorry, here.

WARNING: This story has a spoiler about Season One of Lost. I am telling you because I consider you a friend.

I’m doing another book. I don’t know if you’re familiar with this, but there’s currently this big move in Young Adult literature, especially in the Young Adult Ladies category, toward this absurd O.C., 90210 bullshit. Instead of The Baby-Sitters Club, we now have The Au Pairs.


Every fucking book now has the girls meeting cute boys in the Hamptons. Fuck that. Here’s a break down of a sample chapter for my Summer Vacation novel, My Summer Vacation Novel.

  • Wake up at 10 AM.
  • Lay in bed till 11:30 AM.
  • Eat some cereal.
  • Play Nintendo till 2 PM.
  • Ride Bike to Rob’s House.
  • Watch Talk Shows and Soap Operas. There’s nothing else on.
  • Get into an argument about something stupid.
  • Dick around on the internet until 7 PM.
  • Eat dinner at Rob’s.
  • Ride bike home.

This is a novel that Kids Can Relate To.

My wife Tara works front desk at a low income housing complex, essentially an apartment building. There’s this guy who’s lived there about two months, and every week he says something along the lines of “We’re so lucky here! We have one of the most beautiful women in Seattle sitting right in our lobby!” and she’s running out of polite ways to respond.

I said the best way to respond would be to hit him in the face with a pie.

Because that’s just incredibly funny to me.

“You’re very pretty.”


Then I used latin in the title so it seemed like I was being academic instead of just hateful. In fact, this whole is probably too hateful and bitter. I should probably tone it down. But this is CYBERSPACE, and it’s not like it would cost me money to post a new version later. Thus, I present to you: Decursus MySpace, Special Vitriol Edition.

I have posted a story having nothing to do with the black experience. I respect black people enough not to pretend I know what it’s like to be black. Actually, this story is about dying.

I received a rejection letter for this story today, so what better time to post it.

The Most Self Reflexive Story in the History of Literature

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