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Have you ever owned a good wool coat? Man, I gotta say, it’s good stuff. Most people I know especially here in Seattle, which is notoriously damp, own at least one fairly serious coat. I’m surprised however how many of them focus on synthetics for the coat. Wool man. Wool is awesome. It keeps you warm, even when it’s wet! Denim doesn’t do that! DENIM GETS SUPER COLD AND KILLS YOU. Wool would never do that.

Some of you are going to mention down. Down is great… FOR THE FIRST TWO OR THREE YEARS. Down is on an inexorable downward slide in quality. Little by little the feathers and fluff will come out, your coat will get thinner, and then you’re just wearing a mediocre synthetic jacket. Awful.

Wool. Good enough for your grandpa’s suits, and good enough for you.

Yet another good way to piss someone off.
1) Be wearing headphones.
2) Ask someone a question with a complicated answer.
3) While they answer look at them intently yet blankly.
4) When they stop talking say “Yeah, I still have these headphones on. I didn’t hear any of that. This is really loud.”
5) Ignore any reply and go back to what you were doing.
6) Now someone is angry with you!

AWESOME.

While someone is telling a story, pull out your clearly not ringing cell phone. Say “I have to take this.” Don’t push any buttons at all but pretend to talk into the phone. Say “Hello? Yeah, hey. No, just boring. Yeah, he’s telling a really boring story.”

WARNING: The last time I did this I was tackled into a wall and punched (a bit).

I’ve long wondered what the deal was with candy, Slurpees and popsicles coming in the apparently fictional flavor of Blue Raspberry. After all, there is no such things as blue raspberries. So why have we all entered into a social contract where we accept blue as the flavor of a fruit which is, in fact, more or a red or maroon.

It turns out there IS a blue raspberry plant, kind of. It’s actually called the black raspberry, or more often, whitebark raspberry (Rubus leucodermis). The color is dark, almost black, but when you get down to it, it’s a deep navy blue. The juice in indeed blue, and is apparently the inspiration for blue raspberry as a flavor.

Of course, the REAL answer is that cherry had somehow claimed red, and strawberry seemed to have pink — and since candy is often sold to children and idiots, it needs to be color coded to facilitate purchase by illiterates — raspberry had very few color options. When a tenuous claim at blue showed up, it was pretty quickly agreed upon. Especially since basically no one wants to drink a blueberry Slurpee.

The only real mystery is why, instead of a dark navy blue, the foods are always an insane neon shade of blue. I suppose this goes back to an attempt to attract children and idiots.

Our modern society’s most consistent method for conveying a sense of authenticity is lumpiness.

French people don’t French Kiss. It’s weird, I know, but it’s true. They do make out, but when they do, they hold their bodies very very still, and no one gets handsy at all. They don’t even embrace very tightly. The only thing moving is their lips. It’s kind of creepier, because instead of looking like they’re crazy horny, they just look like badly designed make out robots.

If you are a copy editor, specifically one who is copy editing a FUCKING CALENDAR, and you mark the third Monday in February as Presidents Day I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. ATTRIBUTIVE NOUNS ARE SINGULAR, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. Dogs Park? NO! Dog Park. Employees lounge? NO! Employee lounge. Tacos Cart? NO! IT IS A FUCKING TACO CART.

If you write President’s Day then you are even stupider and I hope you eat shit. I hope you eat a big pile of shit.

To recap:

I WILL KILL YOU:

  • Presidents Day
  • President’s Day

YOU MAY LIVE:

  • President Day
  • Presidents’ Day

Fishermen would be called wishermen. And we would have wishing villages. I think we can all agree this would be an improvement.

There is no such thing as Fat Free Sour Cream. Fat Free Sour Cream would be an empty container. I have no idea what is inside those containers, but you shouldn’t eat it because whoever made it is a fucking liar.

One of the biggest problems about living in a nudist colony that most people don’t consider is Halloween. Sure, there are a few costumes that are easier to pull off in a Clothing Optional environment, but you can only see so many Adams, Eves, and Lady Godivas before all the old, naked hippies start blurring together.

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